I am eighteen years young, a freshman in college, and one of the many who have no idea what the hell they are doing with their life.
The one thing I feel I have always experienced in my life is stability. I always knew what to expect from one day to the next, especially since there’s not much spontaneity when it comes to a typical day in elementary school. I would go to my classes, go to recess, eat my snacks and lunch, go home to do my usual amount of homework and to watch my usual after school shows. As the years went on, my life continued with the stability that was established from the beginning. Middle school and high school rolled in, and while there was a little more diversity in what I did, it was still the same thing over and over again.
And I liked it.
My typical days were full of events that I had control over. I was ambitious and driven from the beginning because of the consistency that filled my life. I knew what I wanted and when I wanted it, however now that I’ve entered this new chapter of my life, I have already come to realize that not everything that I wanted then, is what I want to pursue now.
Now that was a realization that uprooted me from everything I had come to believe up to this point in my life.
I realized that maybe pursuing a career as a doctor is not what I actually want. I realized maybe wasting my time on the activities and organizations I think would look good for my endeavors in applying to graduate school is not what I want. I realized maybe these next few years of my life should be spent exploring things that make me happy, rather than what seems to be the best route for me to take.
College isn’t like high school whatsoever. In high school, I pursued options that would make me stand out in my college applications. But now that I am more or less an official adult, it’s time for me to reconsider what I deem as worthy of my time and what is really a waste of my efforts.
These college days are full of spontaneous plans, regrets, mistakes, reckless fun, and instability, for better and for worse. While my class schedule may remain consistent, everything else about my life is up in the air. Though I was originally overly shaken up by the inconsistency with my life, I’ve come to grow, accept, and even love the mess of things that my life has become.
Each day is its own new adventure when it comes down to it. There is no repetition in what I do, say, or see. Living in such a vivacious city and exploring what it has to offer has unleashed a multitude of experiences that I normally would not have ever gone through if it wasn’t for the carpe diem mindset I have grown into.
Though it is only my fourth month of college, I’ve learned to accept the free-flowing time of life I’ve entered. People come and go, even more rapidly in college than before in high school. Individuality has struck its importance because without knowing who I am and what I stand for, I could have easily become caught up with an especially wrong crowd and I could have additionally impacted my life for the worse rather than for the better.
While my thoughts, plans, and aspirations are all muddled, I know that things will eventually straighten up. But for now, I’m okay with existing in this whirlwind of life since it brings out who I can be and who I will continue to grow into. Life was never meant to be routine and full of plans that always have to be followed through with. There are so many things out there that are meant to be in the moment rather than planned out, and I’m here for it. I’m here to experience all of the spontaneity and the recklessness of it all because without that experience, I’m just here suffering through what I think is right rather than what I know will make me happy.